The Wrong Key
So you have this set of keys. And you have a lock that needs opening. So you try every key to see if it's the right key but none of the keys fit and you're wondering if the right key is even on this ring when, suddenly, one slides right in. Voila!
So you try to turn the key.
And it won't turn.
C'est impossible! The key fits! This must be the right key! But it won't turn. And you can't figure out why so you keep trying to make it turn but it won't, it won't, it won't.
Here's a clue for life: no matter how perfectly the key fits, if the key won't turn, it isn't the right key.
So I've spent the past few days trying to turn a key. I've sweated buckets, I've worn my fingers raw, I've thrown out my shoulder trying to turn this key and I realized last night that no matter how well the key fits, if it won't turn then maybe it's the wrong key.
It started when I took a practice LSAT online because I was bored and I did suprisingly well. I did really, really well. I was feeling a little disillusioned with my job so I filled out some applications and, bingo, I was accepted to a prestigious school in a wonderful city where many of my friends are living. I visited and everything about living there felt right to me. Going back to school felt right. Living in New York felt right. I even found a roommate that I was excited about living with. Everyone I knew rallied around this decision-- what a prestigious school! How fun to live in New York! Best of all, I'm told that lawyers spend their time reading and writing and researching, three things I enjoy doing.
The key fit.
As most of you know, the debt associated with law school (and my law school in particular) is immense. After just my first semester, I'll have a bright red -$40,000 attached to my name and at the culmination of my degree I'll be in the hole somewhere around $150,000. If I'm lucky.
Everyone says not to worry. With a degree from such a good school, I'll have my pick of firms and most of them pay $150,000 a year as a starting salary. For those of you who know me even a little bit, I'd like for you to engage in a quick visualization exercise if you wouldn't mind. I'd like for you to try to picture me in a business suit with a briefcase and pumps, working at a big corporate law firm. Ready? Go.
...
Could you do it?
Because I can't.
My law school currently offers a generous loan repayment program (the program could be pulled or changed at a moment's notice but probably won't be) under which if you work as a lawyer for a non-profit organization for five full years at a qualifying salary, they will pay back your loans for you. It's a great program but it could be changed or pulled at any time and, further, it means working full-time as a lawyer until I'm at least 33-years-old and I know this makes me sound like a dope but I'd probably like to be a stay-at-home mom by then.
I can picture myself as a law student but I can't picture myself as a lawyer. And I realized that I'm not sure I want to.
The thought of not going to law school next year is terrifying to me. What would everyone think? What would I do instead? Would I regret my decision once it's too late? But mostly it just makes me sad because I've been looking forward to going back to school and moving to New York. It sounds like so much fun and I'd be lying if I said the prestige has nothing to do with it. There are people in my life who I think respect me now in a way that they haven't for a long time and that's a hard thing to toss aside.
But the key still won't turn.
3 comments:
My man, G K Chesterton, reminds us that "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it."
The respect you so merit and cherish is because of who you are and only is enhanced by your willingness to "go against the stream".
haunting reminder: "the key won't turn."
Why not write that book "Global locations for fake meat" and then a series of sequels? ;-)
Jerry
In the religion in which I grew up, everyone marries young. It's just what they do. I somehow managed to escape this fate, but just in the nick of time. I was engaged for nearly a year to the boy everyone said I would marry since we had been friends and our families friends since he and I were both 8 and grew up in the same congregation, etc. We had wedding invitations printed and ready to mail. They went to the curb instead of in the mail.
It's hard to explain the embarrassment I felt at not marrying this boy, when EVERYONE we knew were planning on coming to our wedding on June 9, 2001. I thought I would die. It was what we were supposed to do. I felt like I was choking every waking moment for at least six months. It was one of the hardest times of my life.
The problem with all the young people in my religion is that they dream of their wedding day, and they dream of it until they have it. But nobody dreams of their MARRIAGE. They don't think that far ahead. The boy I was engaged to and I were lucky enough to think past our lovely little wedding at 20 years of age to the awful marriage we were about to embark on. And the embarrassment of having to cancel our big plans at the last second turned into the greatest blessings of our respective lives.
Nobody thought any less of us. In fact, I'm pretty sure they respected us more for it, in the long run.
Laurie, I know this isn't your wedding, but your explanation of picturing yourself as a law student but not being to picture yourself as a lawyer reminded me of it. It's your life and no one else's. Live it for you, live every single moment for you, and love every single moment of YOUR life lived for you.
All the people I grew up with that got married so young are either in loveless marriages or are divorced. Every single one of them. I'm not so embarrassed now.
Naomi, I think the situation you faced with your engagement is very similar. The embarrassment and the "what do I do now?" are temporary and pale in comparison to the long-term repercussions of making the wrong decision. And what you say about it being my life and no one else's is very true but it's so hard to remember that. I keep having to remind myself that I'm the one taking on this debt and I'm the one who who is going to school and it's important to hear other people's thoughts and perspectives but ultimately I have to listen to what feels right to me. Thank you for everything you've said.
Jerry, thank you for your thoughtful words. I like that quote, I'll save that one. And I may write that book after all, if I can find a fake moustache shop here in Paris...
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